for as long as i can remember, i’ve always liked doing things alone.
i don’t know if i was just too sheltered, a spoiled brat, incredibly shy, or a combo of all 3, but i always ended up having more fun when there weren’t other people around to complicate things.
i’m not telling you this so that you think i was some kind of weird introvert who had no friends. i had a lot of friends. i am really close with my cousins, my closest friend growing up lived down the street and he had tiny ears & a big head (still does), not to mention a rotating cast of kids from school that i met over the years and drifted in & out of friendships with : a preachers kid who liked to hunt, a kid with a bowl cut who had all these cool forts but also liked to pretend he was a dinosaur at times (come on i was in kindergarten i didn’t see the signs that he was a whacko), and most everyone else i knew i met through playing sports (side note: my basketball career scoring high was 1 point in an entire 20 game season…trophy goes to terry).
but the thing is, although i’d enjoy hanging out with everyone - my favorite time of the day was when i got to hangout alone in my room and think. i’ve always liked to do things my own way, and figure out how to solve problems in a way that made sense to me, and i’d get irritated if i couldn’t do it by myself without anyone’s help. as a kid, i did the majority of my homework by myself, and probably the only major fights i ever had with my parents came from when they wanted to try to help me, but they couldn’t explain it to me in a way that made sense to me. so i found ways to teach myself how to do things in my own way, so that people wouldn’t bother me. it didn’t matter to me if i did things that other people didn’t understand, i just assumed they were stupid and i never wanted to be around stupid people anyway.
i didn’t really open myself up to people until about the 8th grade. my grandfather died that summer and all the stuff that seemed to make sense in my head didn’t make sense anymore, and all the plans i had figured out all of a sudden i couldn’t figure out how to connect the dots to them anymore. and for the first time being by myself was no longer comfortable, it only made me more angry & more confused.
the good thing about that time in my life, was i wasn’t really given an option to be alone with my own thoughts. i was placed in a few situations that forced me to have to communicate with others.
for starters, i was in a very strong youth group at the church my family went to. growing up where i did, going to church wasn’t just something you did on sundays it was fully engrained in making you apart of the community. my uncle edwin was the youth leader and he would always take us on these trips to myrtle beach or events with other churches where usually our weekend was spent terrorizing him by blowing up fireworks in his bathroom, throwing stink bombs in his room or his car, or trying to do things that would cause him to call us “stupid idiots.” we got called “stupid idiots” a lot. it was in that youth group that i became really close with my cousin zac (probably the man i admire the most aside from my father), our friend leigh anne (who went on to marry zac and who is the most positive female influence in my life other than my mother), and my best friend holland (the dingbat with the big head & tiny ears. i mean they are tiny, he looks like a keebler elf). those 3 people allowed me to be myself, criticized me when i was being a jackass, and allowed me to be close to them and talk to them without worrying that they were going to talk to other people behind my back about how insecure and weird i was.
my 9th grade english teacher mrs. woods also helped me figure out my interests. she had me write a paper about what i did over the summer the first week we were in school. the paper turned into a very dark and open conversation about my grandfathers death and how angry i was and how i was unable to feel like i was in control anymore. it was the first time i had fully opened up on paper about the things surrounding that incident that really changed me from being a very shy reserved kid to someone who was just boiling mad at the world and didn’t know how to deal with the situation. after she realized i wasn’t going to bring a machine gun to school, she encouraged me to write more as a way to get my thoughts out in the open.
mrs. woods also encouraged me to join the school newspaper. “the rampage” as it was called became my passion. it was the first time in my life that i was doing something that was solely “my thing.” when i grew up i was always trying to play sports, because thats what all the kids my age were into, and i sucked at sports. or i’d take piano lesson because my mom wanted me to learn how to play piano, and i sucked at playing piano. or when kids would always try to wear the newest and coolest clothes & let’s face it, i’ve never been a fashionista. but with the newspaper, i could write my opinions down and people had to read them. i could write about things that interested me, and people had to read about it. i learned the responsibility of having a leadership role and how to explain things to other people in a way that would not only help them, but get me my end result. i gained confidence and went from being a shy kid to the loud mouth you know and love/hate today.
that confidence helped me pick a college that i wanted to go to, even though it wasn’t a popular choice to everyone around me (go cocks!). and it’s because of that choice that i met some of the most important people in my life in those 4 years at carolina. those people single handedly watched me figure out who i wanted to be and helped me get there. they were the people i bounced ideas off of, the people that would go on road trips or late night krispy kreme runs with me, the people that would skip class to help me load in gear or put up posters for “my” shows which in turn made them “our” shows. they were the people that encouraged me to chase my dream when everyone else thought i was just wasting my time and could never do it.
and it was a collection of all of these people that encouraged me when i graduated and had no job and had to live in the ghetto, eat cheese toast & work with local bands who barely paid me enough money to make rent each month. they were the people that when i toured would come see me whenever the band i was with played in their city. they were the people that called me and congratulated me the day i got my job at aware, because they knew that was the day that the 18 year old kid they once knew had realized his dream. they were the people that went out of their way to come sleep on my couch in chicago, and who called me when my dad went through some major problems a little over a year ago. they were my rock.
last week i had one hell of a frustrating week. some doors that were once open got shut, some tough decisions had to be made, and once again i was feeling all of the pressure in the world & doubting myself on whether i knew the right steps to take. and it was at that moment when i started getting calls from everyone i know. completely out of nowhere.
on a really tough night, my cousin zac called me with a story about my dad almost burning down a tree that made me laugh for the rest of the night. a band that i have worked for for 3 years told me how much they appreciated what i had done for them in such a sincere way that it almost made me cry. my boss called me with really encouraging news. i got go to the studio & watch one of my other bands as they were making the biggest record of their career and i got to see the excitement on all of their faces. i had a long talk with my mom about some stuff that was really bothering me and she allowed me to get a lot of stuff off my chest that was weighing me down, and my friend blake called me and made references about mid-90’s tv sitcom actors that further proved he’s the most interesting person / the biggest loser i know.
it helped me realize that i have people who i can depend on, who have supported me my whole life in pursuing my dreams & who will be there for me no matter what. they’ve seen me at my best, and more times than that at my worst. they’ve given me reassurance when i needed it, and yelled in my face when i was being a stubborn, selfish prick. they helped me realize i’m not in this on my own and that sometimes i don’t have to have all of the answers.
i think you need those people, i know i do. and i think it’s ok to internalize things to try to put them in perspective to yourself so that you can make your own path. but i’ve learned it’s just better to have someone to walk down that path with, rather than just taking it alone.
