(via redsuspenders)
I wish that when I was younger I could have met my current self. We would have sat down at a coffee shop so that I could explain life to young me in terms that only we would understand. It would have saved me a lot of hardship.
You can listen to all the sage wisdom you want, but things only make…
tonight i wrote a letter to my dad
tonight i wrote a letter to my dad.
as open and opinionated as i am now, i’ve always been that same shy kid i was growing up around my family.
17 days ago, my father attempted to end his life.
it’s weird to think about it now. i remember walking home from work that thursday and opening the door to my apartment (which had been cleaned that day). i remember sitting down and turning on the tv and overlooking the chicago skyline that i can see out my window and thinking “i can’t believe how great things are right now”.
and then my mom called, and all that i thought had mattered - all that i had made important in my life - no longer concerned me.
luckily i was able to catch a last minute flight to charlotte. when i arrived at the airport, four of my closest friends picked me up, drove 2 hours to greenville and took me to the hospital. these same four friends had been fighting for the past few months and were not getting along, but they all came together to be there for me - something i’ll never forget.
it’s hard for me to really talk about a lot of the things that have happened over these past 17 days without even starting to tear up as I type this. but what i can tell you is we were surrounded by love. the hospital overflowed with friends and family, some of which, i haven’t seen in over 10 years - some more than that. my phone didn’t stop vibrating from getting phone calls, emails, texts or facebook messages from many of you and many people again who i hadn’t talked to in quite some time.
my father means so much to so many people, and to see that out pour of support & love - it’s hard for me to even describe how it feels, and i know it meant even that much more to him to see it.
luckily my father has made a very quick physical recovery and he is currently in therapy likely for another week to help get his medicine back on track and allow him time to deal with what has happened and be ready to come home.
this situation really has caused me to reflect on what’s important and what’s not in my life. does this mean i can just move home, no obviously not. i have a life in chicago and a job and friends here that i love dearly. but does that mean i need to get home more often, and speak with my family on a regular basis and see how i can help - absolutely.
i have not been very prominent in my families life over the past 10 years that i’ve not lived at home. i come home every few months and then for around 2 weeks over the holidays. i was always a rather stubborn and independent kid, and when i got the opportunity to move away from home and had the luck of a few doors opening in the right direction for me, i never looked back. in hindsight i wish i would have been there more for my family and the people that i knew from my childhood who helped make me who i am today, but i didn’t. in a lot of ways i was selfish and only looked out for my best interest. the past few years especially as my dad started having depression issues, i made myself even more scarce because it was hard to see him like that, and it was easier for me to go away and not have to deal with some of the incredibly tough things my brother and my mom have to see on a daily basis. for that i am sorry, but i realize there is no use in regretting what you haven’t done and it’s only the things you do moving forward that matter.
the most important thing is that i now have a second chance to tell not only my father but my entire family and the community i grew up in, how much they mean to me. if my father would have died a few weeks ago, i would have had to live with that regret for the rest of my life and i don’t even know what mental state i would be in at this moment, or what that would have done to not only me and my family but to everyone we know. but god allowed him to live and we all feel he has a plan for this situation and that it’s only going to make us a stronger family.
this situation allowed me to come to peace with a lot of situations and people that had hurt me, it allowed me to forgive others and also re-evaluate how i live my life. it showed me how strong and supportive my entire extended family is, and reminded me that i am surrounded daily by incredibly genuine and good people. and it told me that you have to tell everyone you love what they mean to you now, because you never know if you’ll get the opportunity in the future.
so i hope my dad gets the letter next week and if he reads it and calls me a “freakin’ idiot” i’d like that a lot too.
Earlier this year one of our artists, Mat Kearney, performed at an event called Heavy and Light in Orlando. The event is an annual benefit concert thrown by To Write Love On Her Arms, an organization built around helping individuals and families dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts. Given the recent situations in my families life, Mat’s involvement and this organization has gained a very special appreciation by me.
